This is a very difficult topic to discuss and even more difficult to write about because in writing, it is easy for the reader to read a statement in a way that the writer did not intend. I pray that I my comments will be useful in building up, minister grace and be without folly. My opinion matters little, it is God's opinion that is important.
My father was also absent and my mother raised my 4 siblings and I on her own. She taught us about the Lord, brought us to church, and lived out a life surrendered to her Savior, but never took on leadership. God tells us that He will be Father to the fatherless - my mother took Him up on that offer!
I think we women sometimes get confused on what being the Spiriutal Leader or Leader of the home is and what is means to live out a godly life. We can teach our children about the amazing love of God our Father without assuming leadership. It is an attitude of the heart and thought life.
If our husbands are still around, it is my belief that we should do as Angie suggests and surrender that leadership to him - in whatever way our husbands see fit to lead and cover them in prayer. If the husband is not around, then that leadership should be surrendered to God. He states that He will be the Father to the fatherless and we can take Him up on that offer, as my mother did.
I have found nothing in Scripture that tells women that we are to take leadership upon ourselves just because our husbands will not lead or they aren't around. Scripture does tell us that we are to live our lives in such a way that we will draw our husbands to the Lord. I believe our children will be drawn to that surrendered life also. I think the fear is that our children will go through a time of rebellion if we don't assume leadership. But even that fear does not give us the right to assume leadership in our homes. It should bring us comfort to know that our children belong to God first and He loves them much, much more than we could ever possibly imagine and He wants a relationship with them!!
Angie, you are such a wonderful testimony to your husband and children for the Lord. I am sure it must be difficult for you at times. Thank you for your example!
To surrender leadership does not mean we sit back and do nothing. As Angie is doing, we can teach our children of the amazing love of our Savior, we can take them to church, attend Bible Studies, memorize Scripture, teach them to come to the Lord in prayer, etc. without assuming leadership. We can respect our husband's God given right and responsibility to lead the family even if they are not doing what we think is the "right" way or even if they are not doing it at all.
Is it possible that God might be trying to teach us something through our unbelieving husbands or a husband that is not being the leader? It isn't popular in this day and age for women to submit or surrender, but that is exactly what God tells us to do in Scripture. It is frightening and it hurts to let go of that security of leadership, but the sweet peace of surrender in the Lord is amazing. I know, because I have done it both ways. My husband does not lead the way I have thought a leader should lead, but Oh! what a wonderful leader he is! To honor God and my husband by being the helper I need to be - not the helper I want to be - has been difficult for me because I am what you would call a "strong personality." Surrender has not come easy. God will give you peace (and may I add He will give you joy) as you submit to His way, as you teach your children of His love, and as you honor Him and your husband by not taking on leadership that doesn't belong to you. As Christ Jesus surrendered to the Father's will ("Not my will but Yours be done") we need to surrender also. It takes more strength to surrender and submit than it does to take over leadership.
It is an attitude of the heart and mind more than the outside action. The actions may be the same (Bible Study, prayer, going to church, etc.) But the attitude is surrender. May God bless you as you continue to seek Him.
Blessings in Christ Jesus, Carrie
A wonderful resource on this topic is: http://www.truewoman.com/ and http://www.truewoman.com/?id=336#session_text