my3boys
Member
Absolutely not offended, Doug. I know that when posting to a forum our words do not always come across the way we intend, and we can only explain ourselves so much before we've written a novel:)
I totally get what you were saying. Thanks for the additional explanation, though.
I read in a parenting book once (it might have been Let's Fix the Kids) to ask them what their plan was. I guess this might not work with "Where's the ketchup?" unless you said, "What's your plan for finding it?"
When they say they don't know, we say, "Would you like to know what some other kids have tried?"
If they say no, I just go about my business. If they say yes, I tell them some absurd things that wouldn't work and end up with an actual idea.
That's it. It REALLY works GREAT!!!! They usually just go on and try it--or not. Either way, my job is done, and I think it teaches them to figure out things for themselves.
I just wish I could remember to do it more than once a year.
Best of luck.
Rachel
Member
re: ketchup example-"You can find it yourself, it's in there (then I'd probably get some reason why they can't 'see' it)-if you want it you'll find it; just don't break anything and put back what you take out or no ketchup at all next time."
If there's too much talking, an absurd exchange takes place and I will become exasperated and it will cause stress. Just short and simple, not rude, just to the point.
Rachel
Misty
Member
That's exactly it. I get into disagreements, arguements or trivial talk because of my chldren's questions. I need to work on stating my point and then not discussing it anymore. This has been a great help.
Ughhh! I absolutely hate it when my kids tell me they can't find something, and when I walk over, it's right in front of their faces!! But, like many of you wise ladies have said, I have created my own monster because instead of teaching them to find things for themselves I've always jumped to their side to find it. I jumped into an instant family with a then-9, 5, and 4 year old, and I gues like everyone else I'm still figuring it out!! I need to work on staying calm when they do this, and not finding it for them. Kindly letting them know that they are going to be responsible for finding the item themselves.
Ok, I'd like to add a question to this whole thing.... I have gone through something with 2 of my kids, and am in the middle of it with my 3rd.
Just after they start really being able to talk, they start being a Narrator to my life. (Not like narration for school!) But they seem to demand a response.
So - I start feeding the baby, and the my 2yo says "You feeding baby (name)?" If I don't respond she'll repeat it over and over.... so I say "Yes I'm feeding (name)." A few minutes later I am burping the baby and the 2yo says "You burping baby (name)?" and I need to respond. Imagine this all day for almost everything I do.... while I'm driving the car, we turn a corner and she says "You turning this way?"
So - what do I do about this? This seems to happen right when their speaking ability expands greatly, and I admit my olders have grown out of it so I know it is limited - but by the end of the day I want to just yell "YES" at her. My husband says don't answer, but then they repeat it over and over and over. Mind you, sometimes even when I answer right away they still repeat it a couple of times.... Saying (nicely) "what do you think?" or similar doesn't work either....
Any suggestions?
mjemom
Member
One thing I did with my oldest when he was overwhelming me with questions was to make him a "request card" - on the front, it had "Request Card" on it - on the back it had several questions typed:
If I work harder or think more, can I do this or figure it out on my own?
Will Mamma probably offer this or handle this without me having to ask?
Am I required to ask permission for this or am I allowed to do it without asking?
Am I considering others first with this request?
At first I limited him on the number of cards he could use in a day - after running out a time or two he was much more thoughtful. Now we just keep one around and I will usually ask him if he has answered all his "request" questions first. When we first started, he even said "maybe after we do this a few weeks I won't need them anymore." So for what that's worth - it did help a little. He is my constant talker, so this is a continuing challenge for us as well.
Misty
Member
Great idea mjemom. That is something I may have to put together. Makes them think twice before bothering me again with the request.
suzu.. I know how you feel my almost 4 yr old still does that at times but now it's becoming more of the question "Are you feeding ...", "Are you taking a right turn". I wish I had great insite for you but as you might have noticed I'm the one who posted this question LOL So I'm looking for great wisdom this time. "smiling at you"
Rachel
Member
suzu...first, it's great that's her mind's engaged and alert; but it can get aggravating so this could be used as an opportunity.
How about responding two different ways. Sometimes tell her just a moment, be patient and I"ll answer or something to that effect that you know she'll understand; letting her know before the 'activity' mentioned in your previous post, that if she asks you 2 times (if she knows what that means, which I assume she does), Mommy won't answer. This would be a planned ahead session and you'll have to be consistant and enforce the consequences of asking more than once. So in effect, working on developing her patience skills; she's 2, so the world revolves around her, so she thinks, but it's time to start training her out of that mindset. You could just count to 10 or 20, just a tad longer than she usually takes to ask again. I don't think it'd be appropriate with everytime, but once a day is a good start and maybe even the same activity, then expanding to other times as her waiting time improves.
The other way would be to ask her a question back that requires her to answer her own question-she's old enough to recognize these things and ask a repeated question so she's old enough to actually know the answer; and you're training her to be observant and try to figure things out first before asking questions. For example: when she asks about "You feeding baby...", you say, "her name, what do you see Mommy doing?" and allow her to answer it. Same for the burping. As for directions in the car, I think the same thing can apply, sometimes using 'right or left' to start working on those directional skills and immediately have her repeat after you. A question should truly be seeking an answer to something you don't know and can't discover on your own. I actually do believe in stupid questions-the ones you already know the answer to or haven't given thought or effort enough to figure it out. She's at the age to start facilitating the thinking process of discovery, using her own wits and not others'.
She's probably too young for the "what do you think?" question, but she is capable of seeing you and recognizing repeated patterns. But if she refuses to stop asking you over and over, after you've told her you won't answer the same question 2x and/or you've actually asked her one which she's expected to answer you, then treat it the same as not saying "please" or "thank you"; they don't get the results they are looking for. Maybe she'll have to be removed from the room during these times if she refuses to answer you, whatever. It'll be a rough transition at first, but then things will go smoother. We train them or they train us; either way, someone's gettin' trained.
Hope that was clear in explanation; it made sense in my head as I was thinking about it in scenario form last night and this morning. One more thing, you could ask her a question before she asks you one! And if there's any implements she could help you gather for some activity that she usually questions about, like a blanket to cover you if your nursing or get you something if bottle feeding, then you could ask her what is Mommy about to do w/ 'baby name'? or what is this for? etc, etc...And then other times in the day-just yes. So use a combination.
HTH and gives some ideas, Rachel
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