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We're having a no questions day???

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Started 1 year ago by Iamasahm
Latest reply from Rachel

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Iamasahm
Member

So I have 6 (and one on the way) kids from the age of 12 - 18 mo. Now the 18 mo is not really talking just screaming.. hey have any idea's on how to get her to stop screaming for anything, everything and nothing??? So sorry totally off topic, but would love ideas.

So today I have had it. My oldest 12 is CONSTANTLY asking questions, all kinds all day, and his brothers are 1/2 as bad. They never stop. They can not make a dicission on there own for there life. And when they do .. do I dare say .. they make por ones and then it's 2 times as bad.

So I said I will not answer any questions today about anything.. not where we're going, not how long it will be, not if it's time to eat, snack, etc., not when will dad be home, not about hunting, fishing, ducks, chicken coops, not about anything. I needed a day for my brain to rest.

Please tell me that though you might not have had to do it, that you have wanted to and I'm not alone on this?? My dh and I are about ready to scream. I don't know if they are just craving knowledge and we're not able to fill. I don't know if I have them trained to ask before they do "anything" to the point they ask about everything. I just don't know.

So today, when they ask (which they keep trying) I just say I"m having a no questions day. Sorry, if it's really important ask me tomorrow. I'm so embarressed. But I needed to make this confession. I love them and I take really good care of them, but some times I just want them to tend to there selves for more than 10 minutes without needing to know ...what, when, where, or how to move to the next thing.

Thanks for listening to me vent. Blessings Misty

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
6boys1girl
Member

Oh, I've been tempted but never done it. We did institute a "mom's only answering each question once" policy though. I noticed that so many of their questions were the same, frequently things like "what's for dinner?". So I now answer that once and if you don't hear or listen, you're out of luck. Answering even one question for the 6 kids who talk can take a ton of time.

At the same time, I must admit that the question can be quite humorous. It always cracks me up when they ask "what's for dinner?" as they watch me make it or "are we going somewhere?" when I tell them to get shoes on so we can leave.

If anyone has insight on how to curb this or what could possibly be causing it, I'd love to hear it. Or if you have dealt with this and have an age range on when I can expect it to end?

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
Iamasahm
Member

EXACTLY.. like what's for dinner (using your example) all 5 of my talkers will come in at seperate times and ask and I just want to scream TACO's. For the world to hear.

How do you get this undercontrol?? Maybe it's just me, but when I was younger (and yes my mom said it to be true) I didnt' "need" to know everything. If it was time to go I didn't ask, where, how long, why etc. I just got the shoes on and got into the car.

My dh and I are starting to wonder if it's a trust issue? Like don't they trust us to only take them where we need to go, not to waste any time we don't need to, and if they NEED to know we'll tell them?? Well. thanks for at least saying you've wanted to I feel a bit better knowing I"m not alone. Misty

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
Sonya Shafer
SCM Team

One idea that comes to mind is to make a "detective/logical thinking" game out of the question, if possible. Yes, this will take longer than just giving the answer, but as we all know, sometimes a long-term solution is worth the time we invest in it.

So if the child asks, "What's for dinner?" as you're cooking, you could say something like, "I think you can figure that out yourself. Look around and tell me what you see." And help him observe and analyze the clues to at least narrow down the choices.

Another possibility would be to intentionally set up situations where they must make a choice. Walk them through the process of decision-making. For example, lay out two choices of clothes to wear -- one for cold weather and one for hot, or one for dressy and one for play. Then help them think through the process of making a good decision and choosing the appropriate outfit.

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
WaleOfaTale
Member

I have done something similar... "You may ask me once you can prove to me that you have exhausted other practical resources ie, our calendar, observing(attentiveness), books, logic, each other, computer, ect." During that time I took craft sticks, wrote chores on them, distributed them into zip-lock snack baggies with one name one each, and stapled the bags to a poster board which I hung on a door. Once a chore was completed, he/she could transfer the stick from his/her baggie to the "completed" baggie. I printed a bullet-ed sheet for each child listing what was expected for example: brush teeth after breakfast and before bed, put laundry in hamper, think: safety first, keep your eyes peeled for ways to help others, you will need to figure out how long it will take to get ready for bed; you must be in bed by 8:30pm with teeth brushed, room tidied, next day's clothes picked out. I also wrote down what we had planned for the day with a disclaimer that items may be added, removed, or switched around at my discretion. I made a point of verbally informing them when changes were made - no complaining or whining allowed. I also put a sticky note near me labeled "observe" or with the name of the project or meal that I was working on. If they asked an obvious question, I would glance toward the sticky as a non-verbal reminder. Preparing and setting this in place took a few days of working through the chaos but it was worth it. If they asked me something then I would ask them what they had done to find out on their own. Soon enough they were on their way toward thinking for themselves. I then had more time to focus on my screamer of a toddler who chose to scream and whine instead of using the vocabulary that she had developed.

The following is what worked for my screamer.. disclaimer... this method may not be something that you agree with.

Toddler: scream, scream...

Mom or Dad: (First inspecting for pain or danger then in a loving tone and very calmly and very matter of factly) "you may not scream or whine. You must use your words" or " I cannot understand what you need or want. You must speak calmly" (two small flicks to the cheek and placed in a chair or spot on the floor.) "You may clam down then come tell me what you need or want."

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
suzukimom
Member

One thing that my dh did (and I do) - not just on questions..... is he is silly with "chickens". So, when the kids were really little, they would see a truck and say there's a truck, and he would say "No, it's a chicken". Very quickly they would say, "no it's a truck", and he would say - it has wings like a chicken - and they'd say "no, those are wheels". Soon, at a young age, they could tell us exactly why something is what it is, and not a chicken.

Now for questions, same type of thing. If it is obvious, he might answer a chicken. (or for "where are we going", his answer is "down the road", etc.... For food, I do the same thing, except I say it is a Pogo Stick

So, they might ask what we are going to eat, and I'll say "a pogo stick", they would look around the kitchen, see stuff for tacos, and say "No, we are having tacos". I'd then say "so why did you ask if you already know?"

I don't know that it reduces the questions, but I feel less like screaming.... lol

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
nebby
Member

I have been known to send one child to ask another as in "I already told your brother what we are having for dinner; go ask him." I guess I end up saying no fewer words but it feels better. I also post a daily schedule on the fridge so when they ask where we are going, I tell them to go look themselves. You coudl also post the answers to other questions like what's for dinner so they can check for themselves.

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
nebby
Member

I have been known to send one child to ask another as in "I already told your brother what we are having for dinner; go ask him." I guess I end up saying no fewer words but it feels better. I also post a daily schedule on the fridge so when they ask where we are going, I tell them to go look themselves. You coudl also post the answers to other questions like what's for dinner so they can check for themselves.

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
Doug Smith
SCM Team

Tell them to Google it?

Just kidding. ;-)

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
trulyblessed26
Member

Hi there,

I have already had to deal with this with my 4, almost 5 year old. I was worn out by the end of the day from the constant talking and questions. So finally I sat back and looked at what was going on: she had developed a bad habit of asking constant questions even for foolish things, and then I had developed the bad habit of mindlessly answering them! I realized this was going to be a big problem with narration down the road when she was asking me questions about something I had read one sentence ago and knew she knew. So, now I ask "what do you think?" when she asks me a question where I think she knows the answer (like reading) or can figure it out by observing surroundings (like cooking) Not in a sarcastic way but in a calm, honest, sincere question to her so she pauses and thinks about it and then tells me - almost always correctly, what the answer is. She actually surprises me sometimes with great answers when reading if I am not really sure she knows the answer to what she is asking me regarding concept of book. The other question I will ask her if she is asking a question I have already answered is "what did I already say?' Again, no sarcasm, just calm honest question to her to make her think for herself. These two questions I ask her now have helped me alot with my frustration. And then there are times when I just have to say “ok, it’s time for a break from questions.” I was hoping this was a phase she would out grow, but judging from the varying ages you guys are talking about, it's not....sigh...

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
my3boys
Member

I sent a post to this awhile ago, but it seems to have be lost in cyberspace:)

Basically I said that I ignore them. I don't mean ignore, ignore, but I just don't respond to the questions or hollerings for "Where's this or that?"

Earlier I was typing away (obviously in the middle of something) and my 8yo came right up to ask me something about his remote for the t.v. I just ignored him and he walked away (not mad or anything) to ask his dad. I don't help look for things in the fridge anymore (I used to jump up and help) because I've created monsters who really aren't looking for the item because they know mom will get up and find it. Well, I don't anymore and that's not easy but necessary. Like truelyblessed mentioned, I have created a bad habit in them and in myself. We are working on changing that and so far ignoring them works. It has caused them to figure it out on their own or to stop asking me "whatever" because if it's obvious questions or the same question I'm not going to answer anyway.

I have forgotten what was in my original post, but it was something like this one, and it's late...

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
Iamasahm
Member

Thanks for the idea's everyone I truely appreciate it. I like the idea of when they ask a question I ask one back instead of just answering. Also, the now that I told you got tell each of your siblings. Hoping today will be a better day! Misty

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
Doug Smith
SCM Team

I thought I should give a serious answer after my totally silly one...

I tend to look at a child's questions as part of the education process. A couple of our goals in educating our children is to help them become self learners and to function well socially.

So as others have mentioned, I like to ask further questions to help the child think through the situation and come to conclusions. Of course, I sometimes have to fill in the gaps in the information needed to help the child get there.

Now I admit that can sometimes be hard to do. But with practice, the child learns to observe and draw conclusions and then have a conversation or ask clarifying questions. That is much more useful than asking a continuous string of questions that only shifts the thinking work to others.

However, if I tune out, deflect, or ignore my child's questions then I should not be surprised if my child ignores me when I ask a question. That's where the social aspect and teaching the child to treat others as we would like to be treated comes in.

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
my3boys
Member

I agree, Doug, and I promise that I do try to work with them on this process we call life and to not "ignore" people when they speak to you, because that is rude...

I guess I was referring to this example: Child opens fridge to get out the ketchup and instead of really looking he just skims over the surface items and asks mom, "Where's the ketchup?" Unnecessary question, if you ask me. Because I know that he's not really moving anything around to really look for the items he is not really motivated to find it himself but dependent on me to find it for him. I didn't do anything he couldn't have done for himself, except he did not chose to move anything around. Those are the questions I have to ignore. I have found myself saying the same thing over and over, which is "Did you move anything around to find the ketchup?" "No," he says. "Well, in that case you haven't really looked so therefore you don't need my help, exhaust your efforts that I know you possess then I will help you."

Now, of course, I'm just talking about simple things like that that happen throughout the day, not real issues in life. Not salvation by grace, obedience, finances, character issues, etc. Those questions I want to answer and am glad that my kids come to me with their questions. But the whole ketchup thing is overkill:)

It was late when I posted last night and I'm sure it didn't come across at all as I had hoped...

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
Doug Smith
SCM Team

@my3boys, I hope I didn't sound like I was aiming anything at your post. My intention was just telling how we approach it and trying to bring out the goals and big picture aspect.

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post

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