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Taking the time...

(13 posts) (12 voices)

Started 1 year ago by Adamsfamily
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Adamsfamily
Member

I've spent the majority of the past 2 weeks lying flat of my back due to severe pain. I've been unable to do basic household chores. My 14yo son did the majority of the cooking. My husband & kids worked together keeping the house presentable. I have been very sensitive to noise (in a small house with 8 people-hah!), and very irritable due to the pain and medication. Needless to say, I've had a bit of time to reflect on my life...and I am not pleased at all with what I see in myself. I don't enjoy my kids. I love them. I am thankful for them, but I don't enjoy them. When I am well, I spend so much time planning school, planning schedules, planning meals, cleaning house... All those things that must be done... But somehow it has become all that I do. Does that make sense? I've gotten lost in the planning, and stopped doing. The 3 words my kids hear most from me??? "Not right now.". Somehow I've lost my zeal for my children. I'm one of those people that has to have organized, neat surroundings in order to function... But now it consumes me. I have fussed, and yes, even hollered at my kids. Yes, there are a lot of areas that they need work in, but I am not helping them. I once read that hollering at kids was like trying to drive a car by blowing the horn. It doesn't work. I see how it is effecting my kids and I am determined to change... But I don't know how. I'm praying. Have you read the book, Pocketful of Pinecones? I loved how it made me feel. I realize that it was fiction, but I want that contentment. I want to tie heartstrings with my kids, but I think I forgot how. Can you help me? Can you give me some ideas? Wisdom on how to put things back into perspective? Practical ideas for letting go of the little things, so that I can embrace the life that my family deserves. I apologize for showing so many of my warts tonight. I hope that it is ok to post this here. I apologize if I have stepped out of line. Thanks for letting me open my heart. I have definitely been a thermometer, and not a thermostat in our home. I'm ready to change roles.

From my heart,
Alana in MS

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
pollysoup
Member

Alana,

I am there with you and don't have any answers for you. I appreciate you being vulnerable as I am struggling in a similar way. I sleep very little due to severe back and nerve pain (a 2 hour night is a good night for me) and I am cranky most days. So, I will be praying for you and anxiously awaiting wisdom from these wise ladies here!

Polly

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
pjssully
Member

I can relate to where you are sooo much. I have spent the last five years in and out of hospitals-and when i was out of the hospital, i was preoccuppied. Just last night i was talking to my husband about feeling sooo stress and felt i was "missing something" What i have found over and over again is that i am much better at "letting go" of a clean house, perfect schedule etc when i have a good devotion time with God everyday! I am much more able to focus on the here and now and appreciate my kids in the NOW-with my personality and health issues, it's very easy for me to get caught up and forgot the beauty around me-my kids, my husband, nature etc!! my only suggestions is to spend time in the Word and with God first and make that a priority-then you will be fresh and maybe more relaxed for others.?

your in my prayers.

pjean

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
suzukimom
Member

I am overdue a baby, and have been sick (mostly non-preg related) for a lot of the pregnancy.... and I am feeling the same way except I don't even have a clean house to show for it!

It is hard when you feel so bad.... no words of advice though.

Love the analogy with the car horn!

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
Iamasahm
Member

I know you were looking to us for help. But sometimes knowing that you are not alone is good company. I also am pregnant with #7 and still get morning, afternoon and evening sickness . I am not sleeping well and have been very cranky and short.

You are not alone and I also feel as you do some days more than others. May God be patient with us as we are always learning. Misty

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
mj
Member

Homeschooling with a Meek and Quiet Spirit by Teri Maxwell is a great resource that has helped me. I've gone through it 3 different times and have benefited every time! (I guess I'm a slow learner.......I may be going through it again, who knows...)

I think it's important to have realistic expectations. Maybe you could set a timer when you begin a chore and when the timer is up you stop, whether you're finished or not. Then start again the next day. That might help keep the work hours lower so you would have time for enjoyment.

Remember:

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."---Zephaniah 3:17

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
Melody F.
Member

Thank you so much for being open and honest enough to share these experiences! I think it really helps others, because often we think that other people have it all together and we are lacking somehow. Sometimes my house looks like there was an explosion of toys and shoes and clothing! My kids do help me to keep the chaos at bay most of the time, but some days I look around and I think about the fact that if my grandmother was still alive she would look around and say "this room looks like the devil had a fit in it!".

There has only been one time in my life where I suffered with severe nerve pain for a couple of months (the pain was worse than natural childbirth!), and once when I had a wreck and had terrible back pain for about 6 weeks, so I want to say that I am praying for you during this time, because pain can definitely steal your joy and make you very cranky with your family. I wish I could help out with the physical pain, but since I can't do that (other than pray!) maybe I can help a little with other things.

I have heard some wise words from older ladies in my life, and I think about them whenever I start having negative feelings about my house being a mess, or our homeschool not being perfect (I mean, whose homeschool is perfect?). One of my Mom's friends who is in her early 70's now told me that she looks back and wishes that she had spent more time with her daughter and less time worried about her house. She said she used to think that everything had to be completely clean before she went to bed, and now she looks back and thinks "why did I care about the house so much? I wish I had spent more time with my daughter, because now she's grown and she's moved away, and I feel like I missed half of her life?" Another older lady once told me--Melody, when you get to heaven, nobody is going to ask you how clean your house was! Not one person has ever said to me--I wish I had spent less time with my kids. I should've spent that time cleaning and planning and making sure everything was going the way that I thought everybody else was doing things. I have heard over and over--enjoy them while they're little, because they grow up fast, and you'll turn around one day and they'll be grown and gone.

I have learned to let go of comparing myself to anyone else. I am so glad for those that can have perfectly clean homes and perfectly scheduled homeschool days where all the kids sit quietly and never argue and are just so happy and joyful about the tasks they are asked to accomplish, but for most people that isn't reality! It isn't even reality for those that you think have it all together! I think planning is essential for having days that run smoothly, but don't be so stuck to that plan that you can't enjoy the unexpected happenings. Training your kids to help out around the house is great, but don't be so rigid with that that it becomes the focus and you can't have fun. We play music while we clean, because it just seems to make the job go faster. I'm trying to show my kids that there are things in your life that you have to do, even though you don't want to do them, but that doesn't mean you can't try and make the task as pleasant as possible. I like the song "A Spoonful of Sugar Makes the Medicine go Down" from Mary Poppins--corny, I know, but it gets the point across! One thing to remember is that the housework is only a part of the day, it isn't the whole goal of your existence! Planning for your homeschool day is great, but if you're trying to do math, and your kids are getting frustrated, then stop and play a game instead. That math is still going to be there tomorrow. The real goal is to let your kids see that you love God, and that helping others is important. It's more important to stop school work if you look out your window and see that your neighbor is trying unload a recliner from the van than to say, well we can't help right now because we have to get this done! There is another song that I think of sometimes when I'm stressed out. It says--I'm in a hurry to get things done/ I rush and rush until life's no fun/ All I've really gotta do is live and die/ But I'm in a hurry and don't know why. Many things that I think I "have to" do aren't really that important. Enjoying my children is important, and the way I do that is by just getting out and doing fun things with them. Playing games, going to the zoo, going on a short hike, playing in a creek, playing with legos, etc. I just try to find things that we can all enjoy together. School work has to be done, but we can talk about things and take short breaks while we're doing it, it doesn't have to be a drudgery.

Sorry that this was all kind of rambling, but I just wanted to share some thoughts with you just to let you know that we all have times of discouragement, but we can help to pick each other up and encourage each other. This season of our lives will pass far too soon! I hope things get better for you, and just know that there are ladies out there thinking of you and praying for you!

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
Nina
Member

I am so incredibly sorry for what you are going through. I can definetly say I understand everything except the body pain. For me it is depression. This is me just being real, as you were. I am a planner and not a doer as well. I have great intentions. But no follow through. The Meek and Queit Spirit book is a good one. I guess I am a slow learner as well. I have been through it more than once and I too need to go through it again. I haven't read the Pocketful of Pinecones book, but would love to. But can't get it right now and no library in MI has it to loan out. Pooey.

All this to say, you are not alone physically or spiritually. We hs moms have so much on our plates. And seems we always feel we fall short. UGH! Big hugs to you!!

Oh, I didn't read a post that explains... may I ask why you are in so much pain?

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
missceegee
Member

There was a post a few months ago that was similar. I share it here for encouragement. http://simplycharlottemason.com/scmforum/topic/overcoming-perfectionism-in-homeschooling

You are not alone. I have definitely been in the "Plan for the Perfect _____________ Club" to the detriment of actually accomplishing anything. I still feel pulled in this direction sometimes, but i do get more joy from my kiddos and a partially accomplished school day than I do from perfectly planned, but nothing happens but the planning kind of days. Did that make sense?

Blessings,

Christie

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
morgrace
Member

Alana,

I will be praying for you. There's something about being being seriously ill that gives a person time to reflect on their life. While I have been very sick before, I haven't suffered the phyiscal pain you and others have desrribed. So, I will pray specficlly about this for you. I remember thinking to myself when I was sick, that I couldn't keep living like I was - I put myself under constant pressure to do everything right ALL the time, had horribly high expectations of myself and have always beat myself up and felt bad when I goofed up. Well, in some small ways I've gotten better, but it has been a long slow journey for me, I think because my thought patterns are so ingrained. I wish I could make the changes go faster somehow! But it is encouraging to realize when I look back, I see how far I've come and thankfully through much prayer and God's teaching the changes are sticking. This doesn't however mean I'm not frustrated with things I still do. I guess what I'm trying to say is that maybe you could give yourself some extra grace right now?

Could you try asking yourself, "What CAN I do right now - this moment?" (Sometimes it helps to think about what you can do, not what you can't) maybe that means you just smile at your children, maybe it's bearing that extra thump that makes you want to scream. Maybe it's something so small it doesn't really seem that important, but small things count too! Try living from one hour to the next, or one day to the next, or like I had to do at times just one minute to the next. I had to break things down into very SMALL steps for myself when I was sick. "It's just these next few minutes..." Even small things are strung together like beads and add up to big things.

When I've been planning, I started asking myself "How simple can I make this?" and "Is there a way to use what I already have done - and not start over? (I'm a big one for starting over!) These two things when I actually do them help tremendously. Another thought on the housework specifically, when your back on your feet again, could you make a new set of standards for yourself- that when the house is like this..... you're done! I had to do this when I was recovering, it basicly meant I made dinner, did laundry, dishes and picked up however much clutter I had energy for. I had to spread it out over the course of a day and take lots of breaks. I didn't dust corners or wash curtins or clean out the tupperware for a VERY long time. Or maybe there are certain areas of the house that bug you more than others, so make those a priority.

Two last thoughts, my mom always told me that people are more important than anything esle. So put people first. Your children, your husband. They are far more valuable than the the house anyway. I try to remind myself that I want my kids to remember their mother as someone who lived for God and loved them, taught them, prayed for them etc. Not that I had the best meals or a clean house all the time. I'm looking forward for when I can fully live this out without guilt about the dishes in my sink!

And whoever it was who mentioned spending time with God... if you literally can't do anything else because of the pain, try that one thing. You may find it makes all the difference. I was ill enough that I could not read, or have someone read to me. It took everything I had to breathe and stay alive at the worst moments. While I had no way of reading the Bible, I did pray. I talked to God all the time. And I'm getting a bit teary now remembering, but I wish I could go back sometimes! Never before or since my illness did I feel as close to my Heavenly Father as I did then. Oh, how I miss Him. It was just Him and me. So, if nothing else there is Someone waiting for you, who loves you beyond all measure, and understands completely what you are going through. Turn to Him, He's always there - with open arms.

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
Rebekahy
Member

Alana, Thank you so much for taking the time to share - look at all the other ladies that you've helped to "come out of the cleaning/planning/scheduling closet" with your honesty. I have had a period of irritability and many ladies on this site encouraged me as well. I pray that your pain only lasts for a season and with it's reduction you find some of these issues resolving themselves, but perhaps in the meantime a few changes can be made to lessen your distress.

One of the things you mentioned was meal planning - you said you already do it. Is it possible that you can just use some of your previous weeks plans over and over again? Or perhaps you can ask each of your seven family members to come up with their four favorite meals and then you'll have 28 days worth of ideas - even if some are the same, I know with my kids and even my husband they are very content to eat their favorite meal once a week indefinitely - the variety I try to introduce is usually for my own taste as opposed to that of my family. Also - if the budget allows, tell yourself that it's ok to cheat, buy a bag of frozen chicken nuggets or a box of frozen pizzas for those days that are really bad, stock up on paper plates and plastic forks - I recently did this before the birth of our fourth child and while I normally would NEVER do such things, I gave myself permission because the extra money to me was worth the peace of mind. Other meal ideas would be to do a little freezer cooking - perhaps you're not able to handle it right now, but maybe your husband or your children could pick a couple of freezer friendly meals - double, triple or quadruple them - have one for dinner that night and put the others in the freezer. A couple friends and I get together every three months and make 30 meals for each of our families and it has been a LIFESAVER - an economical, healthy way to have a main course available for those days when I just can't figure out what's for dinner.

You mentioned planning schedules - I'm wondering how busy your brood is. Next time you start to plan your family's schedule perhaps you can evaluate what things are essential and what things need to go until your family can slow down enough that things are staying more organized around the home and you are feeling better. I know the worst cause of clutter in my home are the mornings where we are in a rush and so I just leave things undone that really only take a few minutes to do - making the bed, morning dishes (that currently sit in my sink because we had an early doctor's appointment) etc... The more things that are left undone the easier it is to just pile until the mess is to the point that it's taking a lot more than a couple minutes it would have taken if we hadn't been in such a rush. If you can combine activities onto the same day that could be helpful - giving yourself long blocks of time at home - less time driving places and just drop extra stuff. Your kids are going to enjoy having you play fun games or read to them, much more than they are going to cherish all the soccer practices you took them too. Sometimes even good things should be dropped for the family's sanity and unity. Unity in the family is a huge priority, right behind that of unity with your spouse and first unity with Christ. Unity with Christ can be achieved by spending time with him which is sometimes mistaken with spending time at church and doing things church related. While I believe it's important to attend church and have fellowship with other believers, I think a lot of times obligation to church is distracting and ultimately takes away from our unity with our husband and children without building on our unity with Christ. I've decided that dispite the fact that our church has an AMAZING wednesday night program for children and adults, we will not participate - mostly because I believe that for our family it's just not necessary and it puts to much strain on us - not only to get out of the house on Wednesday night, but also on starting Thursday morning. Despite the amazing program and teachers at church I'm confident that God can use this broken vessel to share the gospel with my children without having to leave the house.

As far as cleaning goes, it sounds as if you might take a great deal of the burden on yourself. With 8 in the house that's just not fair or even possible. I have a friend with FIVE boys age 11 down to 1 and it is amazing the things she has been able to train her sons to do - what an amazing encouragement to me with four daughters! Her boys are fully capable of running their house for a full day when she isn't feeling well. I agree with using music to pass the time, also keep the time short, work in teams. I find that when I am working on the same area as my girls their attitude is much better and they work much faster. I set the timer because my girls are little and it helps them to know we won't be doing it forever - no more than 15 minutes at a time. I have even given us a reward to get motivated - so if we clean 15 minutes a day for 12 days (2 weeks - sunday) then we get to do such and such - for us it was have a tea party. If we skip even one day then we have to start over - this helps them to remind ME to do our cleaning each day. It also sounds like you may need to lower your standards, and I'm not sure how to help you do that as having high standards for house cleanliness is not something I'm burdened with. Another possibility may be to hire some help with major scrubbing. I know housekeepers are expensive and I just can't stomach spending lots of money to do something I can do myself, but my husband recently expressed that the house needed to be cleaner and he would make it a budget priority to pay someone to help me in this area. So I sent out an email to our area homeschool list, seeking someone to help me with bathrooms and kitchen. I specified that a teenage girl was kind of what I was looking for and did not list a price - though my plan was $10 an house. I cannot tell you how many replies I received - it must have been close to 30. Now, I have a lovely lady with four daughters of her own coming every two weeks and bringing her girls to help her - what a huge blessing for me and a way that she is able to contribute a little money to their family budget as well - not to mention she is becoming a dear friend.

That's the next thing I thought of - do you have some friends that can help share your load? Are you good at asking for help? I know it's hard and some people do not have the same wonderful network that I have access to, but lots of time homeschool moms are busy and do not readily see the needs of other moms, but if you're willing to share your needs, many moms will jump at the chance to assist you. It's not much of an extra burden for me to make a meal for someone else's family, but I know it's a HUGE relief to recieve a meal at just the right time. It's not a huge extra burden for me to watch someone else's kids run through the sprinklers with mine for a few hours, but I know it's a huge relief to be able to get grocery shopping done by yourself without dragging all the kids to the store. Don't be afraid to ask for help, it's probably going to be a joy to someone else to know that they can assist you.

I pray that some of those ideas are helpful to you and I will keep you and all the other dear women that shared in my prayers - my sisters from the SCM forum!

Blessings,

Rebekah

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
art
Member

Alana,

Oh I feel for you! I used to plan all the time and never do anything. You know that made my girls behind in math and maybe other areas too. What I can't figure out is what was I planning? I mean, maybe I have Charlotte Mason all wrong, but couldn't we just read and discuss? If we found good books on everything (but math is another issue) couldn't we just read them and talk about them? So what's to plan? What was I doing all those years? I think I must have been looking for better books. Well, I guess I found them or just gave up and realized how easy this could be. It's crazy! I love it! I don't have time for all that planning anyway. So I choose books, read, and talk. Sometimes we don't even talk about them, we just read. Later I hear the kids talking about stuff we've read, so I'm not worried.

As far as the housekeeping goes, I never have put it first, so I can't help. I don't mean to imply that I always have priorities straight, just that I'm a slob! I guess my problem goes the opposite way from yours.

Anyway, I had lost my zeal for my children too, but throwing out the incessant planning and putting them to bed before I have to drop to sleep helped me feel like they are fun to have again. I hadn't felt that for a long time. I felt like I was always telling them how to breathe. Like they couldn't live if I wasn't directing it. I think that's a habit training problem. We've addressed it--even with the help of a therapist--and it is getting better. I couldn't believe I could like them so much. I used to think other moms could not possibly mean it when they said how much they liked being with their kids. Now I see, even though it's not all the time, what a difference it made to teach them how to live and then let them!

You're in my prayers,

Angela

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
Adamsfamily
Member

Thank you all so much for your response to my plea for help... You made some wonderful suggestions. I'm going to be reading back over them again tonight, so I'll probably have a few questions later. ;0).

As a dear, old gentleman would always say to our church... Y'all pray for me as I pray for you.

On a positive note... I did not holler one time today! I did have to practice breathing exercises a few times tho... ;0). Believe it or not, I'm actually a quiet person. Where did the hollering come from??? Thanks y'all!

Warmly,

Alana in MS

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post

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