SCM Discussion Forum

1. 

   mfurnell
   Member

   I have started reading LDTR and it is full of such great thoughts and ideas about habits and parenting. We have decided to begin by addressing obedience. I've read through lots of things on the forum in addition to reading the book. And still, I find myself asking "how in the world do I really execute this?" We already do so many of the bullet points listed under the 'thoughts on obedience' , but I know we need to focus intensely for several weeks and really be determined to stick with it 'every time'. However, I'm not able to envision what that looks like in practical terms. Remember how many of us were told to help our babies sleep in their crib....you go in and hold them in the room and soothe them with your voice, the next time you go in and pat their back and soothe them while leaving them in their crib, then you simply step inside the door and bid them goodnight....a weening process of sorts that required diligence and great consistency.

   ALL that being said, I'd love to hear some of you share your experiences with LDTR and cultivating the habit of obedience! Thanks!

   M

   Posted 2 years ago # Report Post
2. 

   mjemom
   Member

   I have been very encouraged and convicted by many of Charlotte Mason's writings on child training - this woman was wise beyond her years and especially not to have children of her own. I like LDTR having all of the habits complied into one source. As far as obedience goes I think there are several things that have helped me with my children that I have gleaned from others:

   1. slow obedience is no obedience - if they are waiting for me to say it a second time, or to begin to discipline them, it is too late. Discipline at every offense.
   2. consistency, consistency - there are days that it seems that all I do is correct (my kids are all fairly young still) but it is okay for some housework to fall by the wayside if it means working on character. Don't let up and be consistent in what you discipline for and in the consequences you give - when they know that they will get disciplined for this particular thing every time they do it and they know what the consequece is for doing it (because you are being consistent) you can erradicate it much better. Whereas if they know they can occasionally get away with it if you are busy (for me that usually means on the phone) or if the consequences vary, they'll keep testing that boundary over and over.
   3. spell it all out for them - kind of the same as above, if all the rules are very clear it helps all parties involved. And they really appreciate structure and boundaries being firm - like you said above - it's similar to having them on a schedule as babies - they are much more content and settled when they know what to expect.
   4. get them involved in working on it too - I love the advice (I don't know if it is Sonya or CM) of if you are the only one working on it, you aren't going to gain much ground - you have to get their will on your side. Help them understand why it is important to be obedient (at our house we emphasize that obedience to your parents is obedience to God and He is pleased when they obey - we don't want them to obey just because "we say so"). Teach them that they have a will and it is a very useful tool to help them do what they may not want to do sometimes (in CM's Home Education, she has a lot of good writings on the will)
   5. give them rewards/natural consequences - we make a big deal when we see them overcome something they have been struggling with. When we see obedience in an area that we've been working on and can see they've been trying hard (like when we see them pause and choose to obey rather than have a fit or say "why/but/I want to do...."). We'll have a special dessert or something, but usually verbal praise is good enough for them, though I've never seen them turn down a special dessert. :)
   6. training my children is as much about training them as it is training me !! It is all much easier said than done. The Lord is gracious and merciful and I am so thankful for it!

    

   Posted 2 years ago # Report Post
3. 

   Malissa
   Member

   Thank you for posting this. Definately a lot of "food for thought." :)

   Posted 2 years ago # Report Post
4. 

   mjemom
   Member

   your welcome. We certainly don't do it perfectly here or have it down to a science - I have to remind myself of all of these things everyday. That "list" is a lot of wisdom I have gleaned from many dear friends who are a bit ahead of me in the childrearing process. On a more lighthearted note I guess, I thought of something fun (at least for us) that was a very practical help. We found that putting things in print for my son to see really helped. I have a general schedule of what we do everyday that I go by but I guess he didn't observe that it was pretty consistent - he was always asking to do something other than what I had him doing at the time. So, I wrote his daily schedule down for him (very broad, hours at a time for some things like "outside play") Before he could read well I put clip art pictures by each time. We posted it on the fridge and it made a huge difference. He would look at what he had just done and he knew what was coming up next. This helped me not to nag as much because if he didn't just look to see what to do next I could say "what does your schedule say? is it time for that yet? etc." rather than having to remind him of every little thing or repeat myself. (see the LDTR connection?) It helped him think for himself more and not to question my decisions as much because it was concrete for him and not just in my brain anymore. Even for him to be so young at the time, it really helped calm the house down a bit. Then we were dealing with more important issues and not having to discipline for the same little petty things. I guess it's that whole boundary thing - kids like them whether they want to admit it or not. We also made a list of the bad habits he was working on and posted them on the wall - that helped too. For both of those posted things it made it more his work and not just mine.

   Posted 2 years ago # Report Post
5. 

   Abbaschild
   Member

   Hi - I'm new to this forum.  Am InHisGrip on another forum, but see that there's already an InHisGrip here.  I just wanted to comment on this because we have been doing some major habit training this week and all of this has been on my mind (plus I am just starting to read through LDTR).

   "training my children is as much about training them as it is training me !! It is all much easier said than done. The Lord is gracious and merciful and I am so thankful for it!"

   I completely agree....I think the hardest part about habit training is when you finally get real and realize that you yourself have the same habits that need to be changed.  I have to start with my bad habits (that my children have learned from), determine to change them, put a lot of prayer/crying out to God in there and then I can focus on my kids.  Well, I don't wait until I'm totally transformed to start the training - I just wait until I can begin the process with the right attitude (humble and not expecting change overnight).  Knowing that I have bad habits in the same areas as my children helps me to train my children with grace - being on their side and having good talks where I can share my struggles.  When I say with grace, for me it means that I still have consequences for their actions, but I'm able to administer them without anger, knowing that it's not an overnight process and again, keeping good dialogue going about the new habit we're working on.

   I've tried to discipline in other ways, and still fail, of course.....but believe me, those old ways of doing it just never work.  Plus, I have to swallow my pride and apologize (again).   

   As far as the book itself, I am amazed at the amount of information.   It is very simply laid out and is giving me much to think about.  I think some good advice is to not get overwhelmed and try to change everything at one time.  Pick the one that's bothering you & disrupting your family the most and start with that only....then work others in.

   And, one more thought....are you wanting examples of how habit training might look practically?  I know this is what I need but don't seem to get sometimes.  LDTR certainly does give this information.  Also, I'm sure if you posted a typical scenario at your house, you could get some ideas on how others might respond.

   Posted 2 years ago # Report Post
6. 

   Brightwood
   Member

   I just watched the LDTR DVD and have started to read the book. I have young children and look forward to the day that I can have smooth and easy days, but I am afraid it is going to be a long road to get there! I echo what some other members are saying about having to change personal habits first! I don't think I have a lot of bad habits, just enough to where I need to train myself first before starting on my children. The problem is, who is going to help me correct those bad habits! I know that with the Lord's help and with some self awareness, I can start working on getting my tracks fixed before laying down those rails for my children. Wish me luck!

    

    

   Posted 2 years ago # Report Post
7. 

   Rebekahy
   Member

   I highly recommend Raising Godly Tomatoes by L. Elizabeth Krueger for specific instructions on teaching obedience.  It is an AWESOME book and I cannot recommend it highly enough.  You don't even have to buy the book you can read the book in whole on her website http://www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com but I'm sure that you'll find it essential enough to want to own the book and refer back to it again and again.  I think it perfectly compliments Laying Down the Rails, because while LDTR gives you specific character traits and habits you want to build in your child, RGT gives you the specifics in how to accomplish it.

   Rebekah

   Posted 2 years ago # Report Post

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