My dd11 needs some work in the area of kindness towards her sister who is 8. She is getting worse instead of better despite our attempts to guide her in this area. It seems as if she is always rolling her eyes at her sister, or making a sarcastic remark to her, or just not wanting her to join in playtime. What are some practical ways we can have her "practice" being kind each day to help establish the habit of kindness towards all?
How to habit train for kindness?
(12 posts) (6 voices)-
grateful1
MemberPosted 1 year ago # Report Post -
Queenybell
MemberYou could have her do over the action she should have done. In addition without it being a punishment you might want to consider doing a family Bible study on love. Memorize the verses, talk about what love looks like and watch for opportunities to show love then report back. Watch her carefully, stop her when she starts to do something unkind and praise her progress.
Posted 1 year ago # Report Post -
missingtheshire
MemberI would try and nip this in the bud, my sister was like that with me when we were young, and our relationship was never good and still isn't all these many years later. As the younger sister it really hurt me and it certainly damaged our relationship. With my own daughters I told them about my childhood and told them that I hoped they would be kind and caring with each other. We read a lot of books and Bible verses about kindness and compassion and they are now extremely close. I hope that you can turn this around, it can cause real issues in the future.
Posted 1 year ago # Report Post -
thepinkballerina
MemberWe are working on kindess now with our 7 yr and 5 yr old daughters. Right now their problems are just not sharing well or the oldest being bossy with the younger 2. We are using Keeper's of the Faith character book on Kindness. It has stories that show examples of kindess; bible verses and how to apply them to our life; definitions of compassion, kindess, unselfishness, etc; examples from the scriptures; and examples of how to do kind things and a list to pick from to try each week. The best part I think is the journal and making journal entries for 30 days because it takes 30 days to create a habit. Instead of using their journal pages in the book, I bought each of my daughters a journal from the dollar store, and each night we talk about what they did to be kind and how they were not kind, and I have them handwrite simple sentances such as "I helped mommy open the door," or "I did not share the dinosaur toy." It helps my 7 yr old see that for the past day or so she needs to work harder. Then I point out an area to work on the next day, and we act out how to do it better (sharing with her sister--let her pick 2 animals from the jungle animal tub first). That way she knows what to do and what is expected and she feels confident she can do better and can record it in her journal! The book suggests putting up the word "Kindness" in their room to see in the morning to remind them to pray, and around the house on cards (they put cards up in the bathrooms and playroom). They are to pray in the a.m., at noon time, and evening also. I stressed to my girls it is God's power that helps us to be kind, and how prayer helps us. :-) The book wisely shows that we can not just "think" kind thoughts, but we are kind only when we take ACTION.
HTH!
TaraPosted 1 year ago # Report Post -
quietwatersmommy
Memberwe are working on the same issue here, especially between my 15 and 13 yo dds and my 6 yo dd. We have read through the book "Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends" by the Mallys.
http://www.amazon.com/Making-Brothers-Sisters-Best-Friends/dp/0971940509.I did it as a read aloud, and we would discuss different things as we went along. I'm going to have my older girls re-read. It's written by 3 siblings for children. It shares their honest struggles with getting along, but also their triumphs. It gives lots of good scriptures and is written in a humorous way.
I agree with missingtheshire to talk about my own childhood and how painful it was ...although I was oldest of 3 girls and not the youngest and still do not have a really good relationship with my sisters. I was not raised in a Christian home, so I tell them about the importance of doing everything Jesus' way.
Nanci
Nanci
Posted 1 year ago # Report Post -
Queenybell
MemberTara those are wonderful suggestions especially for younger children. I may need to implement the journal idea with my 5 and 7 yr old.
Nanci I just got that book. It looks great and I plan to read it to my boys at some point. I have 3 boys & girl, but I assumed the principles in it are the same.
Posted 1 year ago # Report Post -
grateful1
MemberThanks everyone for the responses! I had posted this question awhile back and was so glad to see today that there were responses. I have just been reading all the great posts over the last few months. I am so grateful for a place to ask questions and receive back godly suggestions and encouragment. Thank you all for taking the time to respond.
Queenybell- I am so glad you mentioned those things. These are both things that we are doing and it is good to know we are on the right track. My husband is doing a study with her 3-4 nights a week on these things and we do have her "redo" anything that was unkind. We give her an example of a proper way of saying things with a proper tone. However, she can really dig her heels in and just give us the minimum effort. I don't really know how to change that either.
Missingtheshire - I am so glad that I am not the only one who thinks that this is serious. Oftentimes I hear that siblings fussing at eachother is "normal" and that the problem should be worked on, but will probably exist anyway. I truly believe that our family can honor God by being at peace with one another. For one another and not against.
thepinkballerina - I love this idea of a journal specifically for kindness! She would probably actually enjoy doing this and it would be helping her to see what she did well and what she should change. Your comment about how we can think kind thoughts, but without action it really isn't worth much reminds me of the bible verse that talks about how we can do many things, but if we don't have love we are like a clanging bell. I think that would be a great verse to memorize. Thanks for the book suggestion, going to look that up right now!
quietwatersmom - Do you think this book would be best done as a read aloud or a read alone with discussion after? Is 11 an appropriate age to read this, or is it for older children? Thanks for your suggestions!
Posted 1 year ago # Report Post -
quietwatersmommy
MemberI think an 11 yo could easily read it on his/her own.
It would depend on your family and how many children you have whether you'd read it aloud or not. I chose to read it aloud because my 4th child was 5 at the time (and she couldn't read it yet), and I wanted everyone to hear it. Plus I could ask questions and get a discussion going.
What I really like about it is that they are honest about their struggles with getting along with each other. It's also good that they give the perspective of the oldest, middle and youngest child, too.
But it's definitely a book you'd want to pull off the shelves from time to time and re-read, either individually or as a family.
Of course, it goes without saying that Bible verses on this topic come first for discussions, but sometimes it is helpful to have a book like this to read.
Nanci
Posted 1 year ago # Report Post -
grateful1
MemberNanci - Thanks for the suggestions. This looks like a great book! It seeems unique because it is written from the siblings perspective and not the parents. Looking forward to using it.
Posted 1 year ago # Report Post -
One of the ways we reinforced kindness was with 1 Corinthians 13:4-8. We spent about four weeks memorizing the verses. Anytime one of my children was being unkind in whatever way to the other, I would remind them that love is not rude or love does not boast or love is patient. I would simply say, "Son, you're being rude to your sister when you tell her you don't want to play with her. Do you love your sister?" He would always reply, "Yes." To which I would say, "Then please remember that love isn't rude and if you love your sister, you won't be rude to her." The same conversation would apply whenever one child would act pridefully toward the other. I would remind that child that love doesn't boast, and that acting pridefully is the same as boasting. I would often even have to remind myself that love is patient and if I love my children, I must be more patient with them.
In that sense, it was applied to all of us; not just the children.
It was, I felt, the best way to communicate that kindness is about being unselfish; that we must prefer another's needs or wants above our own. And that it isn't just Mommy or Daddy telling you to be kind. God's Word tells us not only to be loving, but also HOW to be loving and kind.
Posted 1 year ago # Report Post -
quietwatersmommy
Memberpink ballerina- I talked to my older girls (15 and 13) about starting a journal like you suggested. They loved the idea because they love keeping notebooks.
I told them they can write down their frustrations with their little sister and brothers to get it out (sometimes we all need to do that!), but then they can write down bible verses that would apply to the situation, then to write down what they did to remedy the situation and what they learned from it.
Thanks for the suggestion! Great idea.
Nanci
Posted 1 year ago # Report Post -
thepinkballerina
MemberLindseyD: I like how you word "Love doesn't or isn't..." to your children. I'll use that!
Nanci: Your welcome. I'm glad the idea helped! It is always good to journal to get feelings out!
Tara
Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
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