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Facebook, texting, email...my 12 year old feels entitled

(19 posts) (11 voices)

Started 1 year ago by kimofthesavages
Latest reply from missceegee

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kimofthesavages
Member

My husband and I are united on this but I could use some words of encouragement or advice anyway. Our daughter's friends "all" have facebook pages (all under 13 which is the facebook rule, although that doesn't mean we will let her have one at 13 either!) and she thinks she should have one too. My husband and I have pages, although we don't use them much and honestly I am ready to just close them out completely for many reasons. When we tell her that even though "all her friends have one" she may not, she nearly cries and she gets defensive about it and tries to convince us that she should have one. I'm so tired of having this conversation with her.

Another issue is the cellphone. We don't have land-lines anymore. We have 3 cellphones. One is my husbands and one is mine. When our oldest babysits we leave the third phone (sometimes I have to go out and hubby is at work and so we found it necessary). It is not "her" phone. We call it the "extra" phone. When permitted, she is allowed to text friends...but only those we know about and we look over the texts later. She has gotten into the habit of texting without permission and having the phone back in her room without permission and so we decided she could not have the phone unless we are out and that she may not text anymore at all. Tears.... "it's not fair".

Last year we allowed her an email address (yahoo) with the rules of she may not be on it without us there and that she could only give out her email address if she asks us first and also she may not open emails from anyone she doesn't know who it is from. Grandma emails her on that email address. Yesterday she checked her email while babysitting (we were out on a "date" for hubby's birthday) *without* permission. It's not the first time she has broken the rules with it. When she has in the past we have restricted her from checking her email for a week or so as a punishment. Now with all this begging for facebook, a cellphone and the ability to text whenever she wants, and this last thing with the email....I'm ready to delete her email account too. She is only 12. Why do most other 12 years olds (of strong christian homes) have all this? We have noticed a huge decline in her attitude since she has been texting certain friends. What good can come of it all? I'm sure we are going to do this and that she will think it is very unfair and she is generally just discontent with what she is allowed regardless (something I try to encourage her about and pray for her constantly about). I'm a bit on the cupcake side....good thing my husband is not. Anyone else deal with this sort of thing???

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
missceegee
Member

We've not had issues with this, but I wanted to encourage you to pull the plug! I've seen enough negative attitudes & behavior amongst those kids & teens that have this "stuff" that I know that it is not for our family!

My oldest is 9 and we just set up email for her. It is restricted to only those I've given permission to (grandparents, aunts & uncles, her best friend who lives out of state). She's permitted 30 minutes or less per day on the computer - email, typing instructor, playing around with pages and photobooth. I can give access to specific websites and block all others, but the only one I've set up is enature.com.She typically uses 15 minutes a day. If I ever see an attitude that I don't like, it's gone immediately. However, in the month or so she's had access, we've had no issues.

Neither my husband nor I have facebook pages and we never will for many reasons. We do not intend to let our kids have cell phones until needed (perhaps when they start to drive) and that will not include texting. It would be for emergencies only. Facebook and the like will not be part of our children's lives. I guess we've always been clear that we don't really care about what any other family does, but that we are responsible for raising our family as the Lord directs us to do. I want to teach my kids to be responsible with technology and not slaves to it as many are.

I don't know if this helps or not, but imo, you are on the right track! Like my parents (and probably yours, too) always said, "Life's not fair, get over it!"

Blessings,

Christie

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
my3boys
Member

I completely agree with Christie.

We have 3 boys 11, 7 and 4. My oldest has a prepaid cell phone (he paid for it) that is used for emegencies and especially for when he is at karate. He can call if he wants to stay later or if he's sick and needs to come home, etc. No texting. He manages the minutes and has to pay for them himself. He does have an xbox, the minute attitude changes, controllers are removed from his room (thankfully that doesn't happen very often) and he must spend more time outside and with family. When our kids are not with us enough that's when attitudes set in, imho. No computer time unless I'm in ear shot. No email account/facebook, etc. We don't even use our facebook account anyway, but I do use emails ALOT. No weird music (although he's not really in to it anyhow), he listens to what his dad listens to. No riding his bike off with friends, no going in to community classes with out me taking him.... rules, rules, rules, I know, but life is not fair and they need to learn that quick...gotta go, will add more later.

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
Iamasahm
Member

We also have a NO cell, no facebook, no computer time. That's that. They are kids I didn't have this stuff and I got along just fine. As a matter of fact my children don't use the phone unless I'm supervised and 99% of the time it's them talking to dad. (the other would be calling grandparents to thank them for something).

We have cell phones (dh and I), and email account (we share) and I love SCM but that's really all. I don't have a facebook account anymore (we never used it) and the cell phones are because dh is self employeed carpet installer and doesn't have a "office", me on the other hand, dh didn't want me to be out with the kids and say get a flat and be stuck. I don't just sit on it.

My oldest son 11 every once in awhile will want to look on sites like gander mtn, walmart, for fishing/hunting equipment and if we have time we'll sit with him OR he doesn't get to look. It's not a option.

Stand your ground bkack and know what is best for your child. Everyone is different every situation is different and if you feel right now that are not necessary then pull the plug. There may come a time when things change and you can re-evaluate it them. Tell then know that you are her parents and the Lord gave you that right to make these decisions. Good luck Misty

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
Iamasahm
Member

opps sorry for all the type Os. My thens and thems are all mixed up. Early morning here!

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
RobinP
Member

My almost 20yos didn't have a cell phone till he started driving (our rule... not that he was begging for one.) He just got his own email two weeks ago. He's had a FB page for a year or so. I believe in real relationships face to face...not your 300 best friends on FB. I enjoy online communities like this one and there can be benefits to them but it's very easy to let them replace family and friends. Now if I could just get my way and blow up the tv.

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
missceegee
Member

I agree, Robin. So much is lost in inter-personal relationships when real is supplanted with technology and I find this to be especially true with children and teens who are still immature in many ways. It's much easier to type or text something hurtful or gossipy than when you're face to face with those involved. I'm reminded of the awkward feelings of talking to the opposite sex about anything when I was in school, that isn't a bad thing, imo, but it's missing altogether when all one has to do is push some buttons.

RE. tv...I'd do away with the tv, too, esp. all of the ones we encounter in public restaurants and such.

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
missingtheshire
Member

Our daughters are 18 and do not have facebook pages or want any social networking sites, they have a joint email address but only got that last year. We talked to them very early on about the time that is wasted on such things and the dangers, that you cannot be sure who you are actually talking to. We were lucky because they never pestered us for such things - none of us have fancy cell phones, we just have track phones, my husband has one, and I have one, the girls use that if they are out. They use the computer for school and that is about it - they have grown into very sensible girls. They are now at an age where they see and hear about the bad that comes from facebook and the like. Even our TV is rarely turned on except to watch DVDs on our movie nights. I urge you to pull the plug and stay firm on this issue - worst case it is dangerous for children her age, and second but equally important in my mind is that it is a total waste of valuable time. We do not have x boxes Wii or anything like that either. They do both have an ipod nano. Think back to your own childhood, I certainly never had any of these things, and I think I was better off because of it. Stick to your guns. Linda

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
kimofthesavages
Member

I appreciate the encouragement. I also agree with the point about "real relationships and conversations" instead of all this texting and facebook stuff. And I would also like to blow up the tv (!!). I will occasionally bring that up. My husband knows I would love to have even one month with no tv at all but he is very attached to it during his rare moments of down time. I keep praying about it. The biggest thing I have against it is that it is a huge "time sucker". Well, and today I'm going to finally close out my facebook page. I've been wanting to do that for months now. I'm ready to be firm and be the mean parents. I still wish my oldest was not so strong willed though, so it was easier on me! But she and I will both survive and be better for it in the long run.

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
my3boys
Member

I agree with all of you. I do have to admit that our boys have an xbox and some hand held gameboy type things, but those come from my husband's interests. I don't even bother knowing how to set them up/repair/troubleshoot, nada, zilch! I use the computer and have a cell phone.

My husband (and myself) came from pretty poor families (especially when we were very young) and my husband has overcompensated toward our boys from his lack of ______. I on the other hand don't feel as compelled:) I am hoping that we balance each other out. I read constantly, he doesn't read much (although he has just started book I brought home from the library), I don't watch tv, he has all his special shows he watches with or without the boys, he's a gamer, I couldn't care less and could blow them all up, etc. I think you get the point. But, we all love camping, the boys love to swim, (he takes them, mostly), he loves to fish (he takes them, yuck!), I love to read and to read to the boys, so of course I take care of that part:) He's great with his hands and always has my oldest (middle boy will start soon) helping in the yard with the garden, mowing/edging and he takes him to help work when he is needed for someone else's yard, etc.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though my husband has his *likes* that I don't necessarily enjoy I'm thankful that it's balanced with outdoor time, manly work, skills that the boys are going to need to know in the future, etc. If it was all techy stuff I would freak out!! Plus, all the shows he likes to watch are from NatGeo, Discovery, etc. which are interesting, but I have laundry to do and books to read and dinner to cook so who cares:)

I also wanted to say that my husband supports my authority 100%, so if anybody gets out of line he has no problem removing equipment, taking away priviledges and the such. gotta get ready for the day:)

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
Bookworm
Member

12 is TOO YOUNG for all that stuff and there should be NO computer or texting of any kind when parents are not directly around. We shut down our computer and our internet access when we leave the house. We do leave one cell phone here, they can talk but not text. In fact, nobody has a texting plan and we see the bill, so they really can't get away with it! We did finally let our 16yo present a case for Facebook, but we monitor that very, very closely. Our 14yo does not have a phone, a FB page, he does have an email address but he rarely checks it (rarely needs to) and never when we are not supervising. No matter what your daughter thinks, "everybody" does NOT have a FB page, "everybody" does not have their own cell phone. Just the things you mentioned about how she is breaking the rules is evidence enough that she is not mature enough for the responsibility! Tell her her current behavior shows she isn't ready, you can talk more about it rationally when she is no longer breaking rules and pitching fits.

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
missingtheshire
Member

Nicely put Michelle - always wise words. Linda

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
art
Member

Oh my goodness! I agree with everyone else. We lived out of state last year for 6 months and made dear friends. My almost 17 year old only got an email address after we returned home and he wanted to keep in touch with a friend he had made. His email comes into my inbox. He does put my cell phone in the glove compartment when he drives somewhere in case he needs to call me. That's all. Kids don't need all that stuff, and adults don't really either.

I think people have gotten so strange because of "unreal" relationships. I'll see a group of kids walking somewhere and they're all on the phone to different people. Why are they together? Also, I've noticed people don't even know how to write a formal letter any more because email is so informal-even in formal situations.

Stand your ground, the kids will thank you for it later. And your home will be so much more peaceful.

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
Doug Smith
SCM Team

We've taken a different stance in our household. I look at things like computers, cell phones, texting, Facebook, etc. as tools. They can be put to good use or they can be a detriment, depending on what you do with them. Just as a hammer can be used to either build useful things or destroy them, these tools should be applied to appropriate purposes in appropriate ways.

So we've made the tools available to our children and taught them how to use them properly. Like it or not, our society is very connected electronically and being able to work within those connections effectively can be a life skill advantage.

Our children are all teens now and they have grown to be a tremendous help with some of the things you enjoy here at SCM, such as this Web site, our videos, books, and events. They are also pursuing their own businesses and learning how to promote them online and offline. These are basics that will help our children provide for their own families someday.

Now I'm not talking about total free rein here. Our home computers are in public areas and we've provided guidance, filtering and parental controls software, rules, and restrictions that have changed in stages as trust and skills have been built.

We don't worry about our kids using shortcut abbreviations while texting because we know they understand good literature and know how to write well. I was convinced of that the first time I saw them text chatting with their friends and correcting each other's grammar. :-)

We're not concerned about who they are talking to because we know their friends, we know our kid's character, and we have a great relationship with them that has been built over many years.

But if there was any hint of rebellion, rule breaking, whining, demanding, entitlement, bad attitudes, etc., we put a stop to it immediately. The good scenarios I started with can only happen within a framework of obedience and trust.

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post
RobinP
Member

It's funny about my 19yo's FB page. Until very recently, everything came through on our personal email so I knew everything that went on. Now that he finally has his own email I don't see it...but our pastor, his wife, and much of our church are his friends on FB. Talk about accountability! LOL!! And believe me...they keep up. Someone made an inappropriate comment recently on my son's page and a lady from our church was all over him! (So was my son...) I thanked her.

Posted 1 year ago # Report Post

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